From Hiding to Being Seen

"It is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found."

This quote is from Donald Winnicott's book Playing and Reality (1971). Winnicott was one of the most influential psychoanalysts of our time who profoundly shaped our understanding of the parent-child relationship and the development of the self. Ever since I was introduced to his work in university, I have found myself continually drawn back to this deeply thought-provoking idea.

In “Playing and Reality”, Winnicott explores concepts related to childhood development, creativity, and the importance of play in fostering the development of a true self. This specific quote reflects his insights on the complex balance between the desire for autonomy and privacy, and the need to be recognised and seen by others.

This statement, in its simplicity, captures a deep truth about the human experience and our simultaneous desire to be unseen and yet deeply recognised. It speaks to the universal human struggle between wanting to have private experiences and the need to feel seen and understood by others.

Hide and Seek: The Joy of Being Hidden

Winnicott’s quote reminds me of the childhood game of hide-and-seek; a game that transcends cultures and generations. The thrill of hiding, the anticipation of being found, and the sweet relief when someone discovers you all reflect this human need to alternate between separateness and connection. Before hide-and-seek, there’s peekaboo, a game in which the caregiver disappears momentarily only to return, delighting the child in the reappearance. These early games lay the foundation for relational dynamics: they play with the concepts of being lost and found, of seeking and being seen.

As children, we seek solace in our caregivers. When a child expresses joy or excitement, and the caregiver mirrors that joy, the child feels validated and celebrated. This creates a sense of being seen, a recognition of the child’s separate existence. But when that joy is met with indifference, harshness, or disinterest, a painful feeling of shame emerges, leading to emotional withdrawal. Over time, this repeated withdrawal may result in the child’s true self hiding away, becoming smaller and smaller, diminishing as they disconnect from others.

This is where the idea of being hidden becomes a double-edged sword. On one hand, hiding offers protection, a way to retreat when feeling vulnerable. We all, to some extent, hide parts of ourselves. We may withhold our true thoughts or feelings, preferring to keep them in the shadows rather than risk judgment or rejection. We may keep quiet, choosing silence over expression, not because we lack things to say, but because we don’t believe there’s anything worth sharing.

On the other hand, staying hidden for too long becomes dangerous. We run the risk of forgetting those hidden parts of ourselves, burying them under layers of distraction, busyness, and avoidance. It’s in these hidden spaces that we often feel isolated, yearning to be seen but fearing what will happen if we allow ourselves to be found.

The Pain of Not Being Found

The other side of Winnicott’s quote highlights the disaster of not being found. We all need to be seen, to be acknowledged for who we are, especially by those closest to us. When our true selves remain hidden for too long, and when no one searches for us, it creates a profound sense of isolation. The need to be found is not merely about validation, it’s about recognising our value and feeling connected to others.

In a therapeutic context, this need to be found is often central to a person’s healing process. Many people enter therapy feeling unseen or misunderstood in their relationships. They may have spent years building walls around themselves, convinced that their emotions, needs, and thoughts are too messy or unworthy of being seen. These emotional walls can lead to loneliness and isolation, even when surrounded by others. The paradox is clear: we hide because it feels safer, but in doing so, we prevent ourselves from experiencing the closeness and connection we crave.

In therapy, one of the most powerful healing experiences is the feeling of being truly seen by another person. The simple act of sharing a thought or feeling and having it reflected back without judgment creates a sense of being found. It’s a moment where, even if words aren’t spoken, there’s an unspoken message: “I see you, and I accept you.” This experience can be transformational. It opens the door for individuals to see themselves more clearly and with more compassion.

Finding Ourselves Before We Are Found by Others

Winnicott’s insight goes beyond the relational aspect of being found by others. There’s also the challenge of finding ourselves, of turning our gaze inward and truly seeing our inner world. In today’s fast-paced, outward-focused culture, we spend so much of our time and energy focused on external stimuli: work, social media, other people’s expectations, and the endless busyness of daily life. This outward focus, while necessary in many ways, often alienates us from ourselves.

The inner gaze, the ability to turn our attention inward, is an essential part of being able to be found. Before we can fully open ourselves up to others, we need to recognise and acknowledge our hidden parts. Who am I? What do I care about? What do I want from life? These are the questions we can only answer when we take the time to sit with ourselves, in silence, and breathe life into those parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden away.

It’s not an easy practice. Looking inward can be uncomfortable. It requires us to confront aspects of ourselves that we might not like or have tried to avoid. But it’s only through this process of self-discovery that we can experience more genuine interactions with others. When we know and accept ourselves—our strengths, weaknesses, desires and fears, we are more willing to allow others to see us for who we truly are.

The Power of Being Found in Therapy

In therapy, we learn to sit with ourselves in the presence of another person. At first, it may feel uncomfortable to share our private thoughts, fears, and desires out loud. But over time, this process of being vulnerable with a therapist often leads to a profound sense of relief. There’s something deeply healing about sharing the parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden and having them met with acceptance, curiosity, and understanding.

It’s often difficult to pinpoint why exactly we feel better after a therapy session. But I believe it has a lot to do with feeling seen, with the experience of being found by another person. In the presence of a therapist, we can safely unearth those hidden parts of ourselves, bringing them into the light without fear of judgment. And once we've been found by someone else, we leave therapy with an enhanced capacity to look inward and find ourselves, building the ability to do for ourselves what the therapist helps us to do during the therapeutic process.

Conclusion: The Joy of Being Seen

Winnicott’s profound quote, “It is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found”, captures the delicate balance between our need for privacy and our longing for connection. We all have moments where we retreat into ourselves, hiding parts of who we are to protect ourselves from the potential pain of rejection or judgment. Yet, the joy of being hidden can only last for so long. When we remain hidden for too long, we risk losing ourselves and cutting off the possibility of deep, meaningful connection.

The journey toward being found, both by others and by ourselves, begins with the willingness to turn inward, to ask difficult questions and to bring our hidden selves into the light. Only when we have the courage to be found can we experience the joy of truly being seen, both in our relationships with others and within ourselves.

Winnicott, D. W. (2005). Playing and Reality (2nd ed.). Routledge.