Stuck on Blame
“The Paradox of Letting Go of Past Hurts”
As a psychotherapist, I often work with people who struggle with a deep-rooted anger towards their parents, believing they have been negatively shaped by their upbringing. This resentment, while understandable, traps people into a painful paradox: the more they blame their parents for past wrongs, the more they become stuck in the very patterns they wish to escape from. Many clients find it incredibly difficult to move beyond dehumanising their parents towards seeing them as flawed, complex individuals which is a crucial step in emotional freedom and self-awareness.
The Cycle of Blame and Resentment
Many people come to therapy with the narrative that their parents are responsible for their current unhappiness, failures and emotional struggles. This belief often stems from real, painful experiences such as neglect, criticism, or lack of emotional support. While these feelings are valid, the cycle of blame can become a prison. The focus on what parents did or didn’t do in the past often keeps individuals from moving forward.
There is a common feeling that without an apology or acknowledgment from their parents, they cannot fully heal. This desire for validation can create a prolonged state of waiting - waiting for a conversation or recognition that may never come. Meanwhile, the individual remains emotionally tethered to the past, unable to move beyond the role of the wounded child. Ironically, this focus on their parents' mistakes reinforces the same relationship dynamics they are trying to escape: the “bad parent” versus the unhappy child. The more they cling to this dynamic, the harder it becomes to break free and live the life they desire.
The Paradox: Seeking Validation Keeps You Stuck
One of the most challenging aspects of this cycle is the paradoxical nature of seeking an apology or acknowledgment from a parent. People want to let go of the pain, but at the same time, their need for recognition keeps them bound to it. They may express a desire for revenge or punishment for their parents, believing that this will bring closure. Yet, these feelings often intensify the emotional bond, trapping the individual in a cycle of anger and dissatisfaction. The more they blame, the more they stay connected to the negative relationship.
Mourning the Loss of a Fulfilling Childhood
A significant part of the work in psychotherapy often involves helping clients mourn the childhood they didn’t have. This process of mourning is crucial because it allows individuals to grieve the unmet needs, the lack of love or care and the experiences they didn’t get to have with their parents. Allowing oneself to acknowledge and grieve for what was lost, rather than endlessly waiting for an apology, is a powerful step toward healing.
This mourning is not about giving up hope, but about recognising and accepting the reality of the past. It involves working through the loss, accepting that certain things will never change and understanding that your parents may never become the people you wanted them to be. This process of mourning creates emotional space for new inner growth, resilience and self-compassion, allowing people to shift their focus from the past to the present and future.
Humanising Your Parents: A Path Toward Freedom
One of the most transformative steps in therapy is supporting clients in the process towards humanising their parents. This doesn't mean excusing their harmful actions or pretending the hurt wasn’t real. Instead, it means acknowledging that parents, too, are flawed human beings shaped by their own struggles, traumas and limitations.
Humanising parents allows for a more nuanced understanding of the past. Instead of viewing them solely as villains who intentionally inflicted harm, it becomes possible to see them as imperfect people who may have done the best they could within their own emotional or psychological limitations. This shift in perspective doesn’t erase the hurt, but it can reduce the intensity of blame and open up a pathway toward greater emotional freedom.
By seeing parents in this more human light, individuals can start to let go of the need for validation and approval from them. The journey becomes less about fixing the past and more about reclaiming personal power to shape the future. It allows the individual to step out of the role of the wounded child and into the role of the empowered adult, capable of building a life on their own terms.
Letting Go to Move Forward
The process of letting go is not about forgetting or traditional forgiveness. It’s about releasing the emotional hold that the past has on the present. When individuals stop waiting for their parents’ validation or apology, they can begin to reclaim their power and write a new narrative for themselves. Actual psychological shifts begin from within, not from waiting for others to change. It's about working on yourself, about understanding how you think and feel and processing what's truly going on in your internal world. By focusing self-awareness, you gain the power to transform your life from the inside out, rather than relying on external circumstances or people to bring about change.
Letting go of blame does not mean that the pain vanishes. It means allowing space for growth, understanding and self-compassion. It means recognising that while parents may have failed, the power to shape your life lies in your hands now. The shift from anger to embracing the true reality of your life enables you to break free from the patterns that have held you back and be able to move towards living the kind of life you actually want to live.
Conclusion
Moving beyond blame towards understanding and letting go is one of the most liberating aspects of therapy. This shift is best approached as a gradual process, requiring time, emotional investment and genuine self-compassion. While the desire for an apology or validation from a parent is natural, it often keeps us stuck in the very dynamics we wish to escape from. By humanising our parents, mourning the childhood we would have hoped to have had and embracing our capacity for reparation, we can break free from cycles of resentment and begin building the life we truly desire.