Breaking the Chains of Trauma Bonding

“A Therapist's Perspective”

In my work as a psychotherapist, I often witness how deeply entrenched patterns of trauma bonding bind individuals to toxic relational dynamics. Trauma bonding (1997), a concept introduced by Dr. Patrick Carnes in the late 1980’s, occurs when intense emotional experiences, often in early relationships, create deep, unconscious attachments to harmful or unsafe situations. These bonds, formed through a cycle of fear, neglect and intermittent care, can be difficult to break, even in adulthood.

To illustrate the complexity of trauma bonding, consider this hypothetical scenario:

The Scenario: A Family Legacy of Trauma

Imagine a family where emotional volatility is the norm. Sarah, the mother, often feels emotionally overwhelmed by her own unresolved childhood trauma. She experienced physical and emotional abuse from her parents but never fully processed or recovered from it. Sarah’s husband, David, is distant and avoids conflict. He grew up in a household where emotions were suppressed and vulnerability was seen as weakness. Together, they have two children, Emily and Jake.

Emily, the older sibling, often steps in to mediate conflicts, learning early on that keeping the peace means less volatility in the home. Jake, on the other hand, has internalised a sense of powerlessness, withdrawing when tensions rise and struggles to assert his needs.

Years later, Emily seeks therapy after experiencing repeated patterns of unhealthy relationships. She finds herself attracted to partners who mirror the emotional chaos of her childhood. Her relationship with Mark, her current partner, is full of highs and lows, intense moments of closeness followed by emotional withdrawal or criticism. Despite recognising that Mark’s behaviour triggers her deep anxiety, she feels unable to leave, clinging to the connection as though her sense of self depends on it.

As Emily begins to unpack her relational patterns in therapy, it becomes clear that her attachment to Mark is rooted in a trauma bond. The unpredictability of the relationship mirrors the emotional landscape of her childhood home, and part of her feels that maintaining this attachment is a form of survival.

Trauma Bonding vs. Attachment Theory

To better understand Emily’s relational patterns, I think it is important to clarify two closely related concepts; trauma bonding and attachment theory. While both influence how we form and maintain relationships, they operate in distinctly differing ways. Trauma bonding, as introduced by Carnes, refers to the deep, often unconscious attachment formed in the context of abusive or toxic relationships. These bonds are maintained by cycles of intermittent reinforcement, where periods of affection or care alternate with moments of emotional neglect or abuse. In contrast, attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape one's ability to form healthy emotional bonds later in life. While trauma bonding is tied to abusive patterns, attachment theory provides a broader framework for understanding how secure or insecure attachments influence one's relational dynamics.

Trauma bonding tends to emerge when emotional pain, fear, or instability in early relationships becomes the foundation for future emotional experiences. For example, we may unconsciously replicate these dynamics in adulthood by seeking relationships that mirror the volatility of our early bonds. Insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant or disorganised attachment, are similarly shaped by early caregiving experiences, but attachment theory does not inherently involve the abusive dynamics found in trauma bonding.

While both trauma bonding and attachment theory explain how early life experiences impact adult relationships, trauma bonding specifically refers to the emotional entrapment in unhealthy relationships. Attachment theory, on the other hand, provides a broader understanding of how secure or insecure bonds can shape emotional resilience or vulnerability. Both concepts help in exploring how we respond to relationships, but trauma bonding focuses on survival mechanisms in abusive contexts, while attachment theory emphasises emotional patterns formed in all caregiving relationships.

Trauma Responses, Repetition in Relationships and Neuroplasticity

Trauma bonding often creates a cycle where individuals unconsciously repeat the emotional dynamics learned in their families. For Emily, childhood taught her that love and safety were intertwined with fear and emotional intensity, both originating from the same source; her caregivers. As a result, her adult relationships reflect this push-me-pull-you dynamic, where emotional highs are mistaken for love and conflict feels normal. The entanglement of love and fear has become a pattern she repeats, often without realising it.

When trauma responses become ingrained, they influence not only intimate relationships but other areas of life as well. For instance, Emily's tendency to seek emotional highs in relationships also affects her work life, where she often over-invests in tasks, seeking approval from her colleagues or boss in much the same way she seeks validation in relationships. Similarly, her brother Jake’s avoidance does not just apply to personal relationships; it shows up in his professional life, where he tends to shy away from conflict and avoids taking on responsibilities that might expose him to criticism or rejection. These patterns can create ongoing struggles in both personal and professional realms, keeping them stuck in familiar yet unhealthy dynamics. Emily’s sense of powerlessness mirrors her brother Jake’s tendency to withdraw, another common trauma response. While Emily exhibits anxious attachment, seeking closeness despite the emotional harm, Jake adopts an avoidant attachment style, distancing himself from relationships altogether.

Trauma responses like these often become so automatic that individuals may not even realise they are replaying old emotional patterns. For some, it involves repeating what feels familiar, and this repetition is paradoxical because even harmful patterns can create a sense of psychological safety. We tend to recreate the emotional dynamics we experienced early in life because the brain is wired to seek out patterns it recognises. This familiarity can create a sense of control or predictability, even in unhealthy situations. Additionally, unresolved trauma can leave us stuck in a cycle, unconsciously seeking to "fix" or gain mastery over past hurts by repeating similar dynamics in the hope of achieving a different outcome.

It is probably worth pointing out here that when talking about the brain being "wired" in certain ways, the reference is to how repeated patterns of behaviour and emotional responses create neural pathways that can reinforce those patterns over time. These pathways are shaped by early life experiences, especially those involving relationships and emotional regulation. When similar situations arise in adulthood, the brain tends to follow the familiar pathways that have been formed, leading to repeated responses, even if those responses are unhealthy or harmful.

However, thanks to neuroplasticity., the brain is not permanently "wired" into repeating harmful patterns. Neuroplasticity is a concept that has been known for over a century, but it gained more widespread recognition in the 1960’s when neuroscientist Dr. Paul Bach-y-Rita pioneered research (Doidge, 2007) showing how the brain can adapt and compensate for injuries. The brain has the capacity to adapt and reorganise itself, allowing individuals to actively reshape their thinking and behaviour through therapy, new experiences and deliberate effort. While old habits may feel deeply ingrained, they can be unlearned and replaced with more constructive ways of responding.

While harmful patterns can be difficult to break, the brain's capacity for change makes it possible. Even though certain dynamics may feel automatic, intentional inner work and emotional growth can help "rewire" the brain towards healthier responses.

Relational PTSD: Can It Ever Fully Go Away?

Relational post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which stems from repeated trauma within relationships, often leaves lasting emotional scars. In many cases, these patterns persist long after the initial trauma and relational PTSD becomes a chronic condition. While individuals can make great strides in therapy, rebuilding trust and developing healthier relationships, certain triggers may always linger.

For someone like Emily, relational PTSD may never fully go away. Even as she learns to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy attachments, moments of emotional closeness could still trigger old fears of abandonment or rejection. The emotional residue of childhood trauma often leaves people hypervigilant, unsure whether the people they trust will stay or turn against them.

Trust and the Difficulty of Trusting a Therapist

In therapy, building trust can be one of the most challenging aspects for clients like Emily. For those with trauma bonds, the very concept of trust has been tainted by inconsistent care, betrayal or neglect. Clients may find it difficult to trust their therapist in the same way they struggle with trusting others in their lives.

During therapy sessions, Emily’s progress can often be interrupted and halted by moments of doubt. She may wonder whether her therapist, will truly understand her or if they, too, will abandon her once her vulnerabilities are exposed. Trauma bonding distorts trust, creating a tension between the client’s need for support and their fear of intimacy. Therapy requires vulnerability, but for those with trauma bonds, vulnerability feels like an invitation for harm.

As a therapist, the challenge lies in slowly helping clients recognise that trust does not need to be absolute, immediate or perfect. It can develop gradually and like emotional repair, it can ebb and flow. A crucial part of the work is helping clients understand that safety in relationships does not come from constant emotional intensity but from consistency, honesty and boundaries.

Breaking Free: How Therapy Helps Untangle Trauma Bonds

Therapy plays a crucial role in helping people untangle the web of trauma bonding. Through therapeutic exploration, clients like Emily can begin to recognise how their past informs their present relational patterns. They can also start to differentiate between the emotional chaos of trauma bonds and the stability of healthier relationships.

Key therapeutic interventions that help clients break free from trauma bonds include:

• Exploring Attachment Styles: Therapy provides a safe space to explore different attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, disorganised or secure and how these influence current relationship patterns.

• Psychoeducation: Understanding the concept of trauma bonding and how it works allows clients to see their relational struggles through a new lens. Once Emily learns how trauma bonds operate, she can begin to see how her sense of attachment is more about survival than genuine connection.

• Cognitive Restructuring: Clients work to shift their beliefs about love, safety and relationships. They learn to recognise that emotional volatility does not equal love and consistent, respectful relationships are what foster true connection.

• Somatic Awareness: Trauma is stored in the body. By focusing on how emotions manifest physically, clients can release stored trauma, which may help untangle the emotional intensity tied to trauma bonding.

• Rebuilding Trust: In therapy, trust is built slowly, offering clients a model of what a healthy, safe relationship can look like. By experiencing consistent, non-judgmental support, clients can begin to rebuild their capacity to trust.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle

Trauma bonding creates powerful emotional ties, often built on fear, anxiety and the need for survival. For people caught in this cycle, the emotional intensity may feel like love, when in reality, it reflects deep-seated trauma. Therapy offers a path to break free from these bonds, but the process is not easy. It requires patience, trust and a willingness to confront emotional pain.

While relational PTSD may never fully go away, clients can learn to create healthier patterns of connection, replacing emotional chaos with stability and redefining love as something rooted in safety and respect. Ultimately, the journey out of trauma bonding is about reclaiming agency over one’s emotional world and breaking free from the cycles that keep us tethered to the past.

Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Inc.

Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science.