Standing vs Falling in Love
“A Choice Beyond the Romantic Ideal”
Love is often portrayed as something we “fall” into. A sweeping force that overtakes us, leaving us helplessly entangled. Yet, this view of love as an uncontrollable experience can mask the choices and intentions that sustain a truly fulfilling relationship.
In this article, I propose an alternative: the concept of “standing” in love as a conscious, intentional approach. By standing in love, we can challenge the romanticised notion that love must be overwhelming and all-consuming and instead see it as a process we can actively shape.
My purpose here is to explore why we so often idealise “falling” in love and what it might mean to instead ‘choose’ love ‘intentionally’. Through examining how early experiences, attachment styles and even relational trauma influence our approach to love, we can better understand what is behind our desire for intensity and our avoidance of choice. Ultimately, this perspective offers a balanced way of loving that values both closeness and personal integrity.
The Romantic Notion of Falling in Love
Falling in love has long been celebrated in art, literature and media as a spellbinding experience. It is a journey of surrender, an exhilarating rush that feels as though love has chosen us. This view of love appeals to our desire for something extraordinary, something that transforms our ordinary lives by sweeping us up in an overwhelming connection. Falling is capativating because it feels destined and magical; it seems to strip away the layers of everyday decision-making and self-control, replacing them with passion and spontaneity.
Yet, what is it that lies beneath our need to “fall” rather than choose? When we fall, love can feel like a force beyond our control, as though we are absolved from the responsibility of choice. Could it be that falling into love allows us to believe we are escaping into something inevitable, freeing us from the introspection and emotional risk involved in choosing? I believe this attraction can mask deeper fears; fears of vulnerability, rejection, and even our own emotional needs. It can create a romanticised narrative where love’s worth is measured by how much it disrupts our lives, rather than how deeply it connects us.
The Power of Choosing and Standing in Love
I propose that standing in love offers a powerful alternative to the notion of love as a passive, all-consuming experience. To stand in love is to make a conscious choice, grounded in clarity and self-awareness. It means committing not only to a partner but also to the relationship itself, nurturing it as an active, ongoing commitment.
Choosing to stand in love involves recognising that there are losses as well as gains in this decision. In choosing one person, we are, in essence, saying no to every other possibility, every other path we might have taken. This choice can feel like a loss; a letting go of other potential connections, or the spontaneity and freedom we might associate with staying uncommitted. Yet, in that choice lies the profound gain of a deep, rooted connection with another person, one where love is built deliberately and authentically.
By choosing to stand in love, we see our partner as they are, not as a fantasy or an answer to every need. This intentional commitment allows us to transcend projection and idealisation, developing a connection that respects each partner’s individuality. In standing, love becomes a foundation that both nourishes and grounds us, a balance of connection and freedom that is enduring because it is chosen.
Projection and Attachment: How Early Experiences Shape Love
Who we love and how we love is often shaped by the attachments we formed early in life. Attachment styles; secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised, play a crucial role in how we relate to intimacy and closeness. Without self-awareness, we may unconsciously project our early emotional experiences onto our partner, seeing them not as they are but as echoes of our past relationships. This projection can distort our perceptions, causing us to react to our partner not based on who they are, but on unresolved feelings and fears from our past.
For instance, if we experienced inconsistency or loss in childhood, we might carry an unspoken fear of abandonment into our relationships. This fear can cause us to cling too tightly or, conversely, keep our distance to protect ourselves. These projections are powerful forces that colour our experience of love and can lead to confusion and conflict if left unaddressed. When we are aware of our attachment style and how it influences our behaviour, we can bring greater understanding and self-compassion to our relationships, allowing for a more genuine and open connection.
Relational Trauma and Fear in Love
For those with relational PTSD, often stemming from past hurtful or traumatic relationships, the experience of love can be even more complex. Being in a relationship can activate feelings of fear, hypervigilance or emotional withdrawal. In these cases, the closeness of love may feel as threatening as it is appealing. Relational trauma makes it difficult to feel safe, creating a barrier to vulnerability and trust.
Managing these fearful feelings requires a careful, self-compassionate approach. Recognising that these reactions stem from past experiences, not necessarily from the current relationship, can be the first step towards reparation. Building trust gradually, with clear communication and respect for each partner’s comfort zones, helps create a relationship where love feels safe rather than triggering. In standing rather than falling, we create a stable environment where each person’s needs can be met without overwhelming the other.
Finding Rhythm: The Dance of Closeness and Distance
In my view, from the very beginning, couples enter into an intricate dance, adjusting their steps to find a comfortable rhythm of closeness and distance. In standing in love, each partner learns to move in sync with the other while maintaining their unique steps. This dynamic balance helps to develop a relationship where love can flourish without overpowering individual identity.
Standing in love means engaging in this dance with intention, allowing space for each partner’s needs, boundaries and independence. It challenges the belief that true love must mean total immersion; instead, it celebrates a love that respects both connection and personal space. Through this rhythm, each partner feels both secure and free, as they actively choose to come closer or step back, responding to one another with attentiveness and mutual respect.
Unlike falling, which may feel like an unsteady plunge, standing in love involves learning the steps and embracing the ongoing movement that keeps the relationship balanced. It is a shared dance where closeness is nurtured and distance is honoured, allowing both partners to feel deeply connected without losing themselves in the process.
Conclusion: Choosing to Stand Intentionally in Love
Standing in love challenges the romantic ideal of losing control in love, offering instead an intentional approach that is grounded and can be lasting and sustained. To choose or be chosen in love does not diminish its beauty but amplifies it, affirming that love is a mutual, conscious act. When we choose to stand, we gain the clarity to see our partner as they truly are, moving beyond any projections and idealisation to welcome a love that is both genuine and resilient.
Choosing to stand in love creates a foundation that respects and honours the individuality of both partners while nurturing a bond built on shared understanding and commitment. This approach allows love to be experienced as an evolving journey rather than a single overwhelming event, inviting us to step into a connection that grows intentionally, with both partners being fully present and engaged.