Helping Children Understand Their Emotions
"How Parents and Teachers can Support Children in Processing and Understanding Their Emotions"
Emotions can be overwhelming, especially for children who are still learning to navigate their inner world. The ability to understand and make sense of emotions is not something we are born with, it is a skill we develop over time, with the guidance of parents, caregivers and teachers. Just as children need help learning to read or solve math problems, they also need support in learning how to process and manage their feelings, however big or small.
In this process, parents and teachers play an essential role as emotional guides. By helping children identify, name and understand their emotions, they provide a foundation for emotional intelligence that will serve their children throughout their lives. But how exactly can adults help children "digest" their emotions in a way that makes them more manageable?
British, psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion offers a powerful framework for understanding this process, one that I liken to the way birds feed their chicks, by pre-digesting the food to make it easier for them to swallow.
The Emotional Digestive Process: Bion’s Concept of "Metabolising" Feelings
Bion, introduced a concept that is particularly useful in understanding how children learn to process emotions. He suggested that infants, when experiencing overwhelming feelings, cannot yet process or make sense of these emotions on their own. The primary caregiver, often the mother, acts as a container for these overwhelming feelings, "metabolising" them in a way that the infant can handle.
In this context, "metabolising" means taking in the raw, unprocessed emotion that the child feels (whether it’s fear, frustration, anger, or sadness) and making sense of it. The caregiver "digests" the emotion by acknowledging and soothing the child and then gives it back to the child in a more understandable and manageable form. This process helps the child learn that emotions are not something to fear, but something that can be understood, managed and expressed in a healthy way.
Bion’s metaphor of emotional digestion is beautifully illustrated in the way that birds feed their chicks. The mother bird chews up the food before passing it to her babies, ensuring that it’s in a form they can digest. Similarly, a caregiver takes in a child’s big emotions, processes them, and reflects them back in a gentler, more understandable form. Over time, children learn to metabolise their own emotions because they’ve experienced it being done for them in a safe, supportive environment.
Why It Matters: Emotional Regulation and the Lifelong Impact
When children are not supported in understanding their emotions, they may struggle with emotional regulation later in life. Emotional regulation refers to our ability to manage and respond to our emotions in a healthy way. For children, this is often the difference between throwing a tantrum in response to frustration and learning how to express that frustration in words.
Parents and teachers play a crucial role in teaching children how to regulate emotions. This doesn’t mean shielding them from difficult feelings but rather helping them face and make sense of those feelings. For instance, when a child is upset about a lost toy, it might not seem like a big deal to an adult. But for the child, it could be an overwhelming loss, like a catastrophe. Instead of dismissing the child’s feelings, a parent or teacher can say, "I see you're really upset that your toy is missing. That must feel really hard." In this way, the adult is acknowledging and containing the child’s emotion, just as Bion’s concept of metabolising suggests.
By helping children navigate their feelings, adults give them the tools to understand that emotions, even big ones, are not permanent and can be managed. This skill is not just important in childhood, but becomes essential in adulthood as well, shaping how individuals handle stress, conflict and relationships.
Teachers as Emotional Guides
Parents are not the only ones responsible for helping children metabolise their emotions, teachers also play a significant role too. In a classroom, children encounter a variety of emotional challenges, from the frustration of not understanding a math problem to the sadness of being left out of a group activity. A teacher who is attuned to the emotional climate of the classroom can act as an emotional container for their students, helping them manage and express their feelings in a healthy way.
Teachers can also provide valuable opportunities for emotional learning through activities like storytelling, art and group discussions. By encouraging children to talk about their feelings and experiences, teachers create a safe space for emotional exploration, just as a caregiver does at home. These interactions can help children develop emotional literacy, the ability to identify and express emotions, which is a vital skill for both academic success and emotional resilience.
The Cost of Emotional Neglect
When children are not given the tools to understand and manage their emotions, the results can be harmful. Without guidance, children may resort to unhealthy ways of coping with difficult feelings, such as acting out, withdrawing, or developing anxiety. In the long run, untreated emotional struggles in childhood can lead to issues like depression, chronic stress and difficulties in relationships.
One of the challenges is that emotions can often be invisible or hard to articulate. A child may not have the words to express that they’re feeling overwhelmed, lonely, or confused. Instead, they may act out, become withdrawn, or develop physical symptoms like stomach-aches. This is why it’s so important for parents and teachers to remain attuned to a child’s emotional state, offering support even when the child cannot clearly communicate their feelings.
How Parents and Teachers Can Help Children "Digest" Emotions
So, how can parents and teachers actively help children metabolise their emotions? Here are a few practical approaches:
1. Acknowledge Emotions: Let children know that their feelings are valid. Saying things like "I can see that you’re upset" or "That must have been really frustrating" helps children feel understood and supported.
2. Name the Feeling: Giving emotions names, such as anger, sadness, or excitement, helps children become emotionally literate. Once they can identify their feelings, they are better equipped to manage them.
3. Model Emotional Regulation: Children learn by example. When parents and teachers model calm, thoughtful responses to difficult situations, children learn to do the same.
4. Provide a Safe Space: Make it clear to children that it’s okay to express their feelings. Whether at home or in the classroom, children need to know that they are safe to share their emotions without fear of judgment or punishment.
5. Teach Coping Skills: Equip children with healthy coping strategies, such as talking about their feelings, counting to ten or deep breathing. These tools can help them navigate overwhelming emotions.
Conclusion: The Gift of Emotional Understanding
Helping children understand and digest their emotions is one of the greatest gifts a parent or teacher can give. Just as birds feed their chicks by making food more digestible, parents and teachers can help children process their feelings in a way that makes them more manageable. By acting as emotional containers, acknowledging and soothing big emotions, adults empower children to develop emotional intelligence, resilience and the ability to navigate the complexities of life.
Through this process, children learn that emotions, no matter how intense or catastrophic, can be understood and managed. And, perhaps most importantly, they learn that they are not alone in their feelings, there is always someone there to help them digest and make sense of the world around them.
Bion, Wilfred R. (1962). Learning from Experience. London: Heinemann; New York: Basic Books.