Trapped by Loyalty

“Reclaiming The True Self”

As a psychotherapist, I often work with clients who find themselves in a complex emotional struggle with their parents, yet remain deeply protective of them, feeling a strong need to defend their actions and intentions.

Unlike those who openly blame their parents for past challenges and unwanted experiences, these individuals often defend their parents and downplay their own emotional needs. Essentially, they find it difficult to assert themselves. This dynamic is deeply tied to how they were raised in environments where their emotions were dismissed or invalidated, leaving them unable to fully develop a sense of who they are. These clients often remain stuck, striving to please their parents, but finding it difficult to form their own authentic identity. For the purpose of this article, I will use this dynamic to illustrate its direct connection to D.W. Winnicott's (1960) concept of the true self and false self.

The Impact of Parental Invalidation

Many clients in this situation grew up with parents who denied their feelings or ignored their emotional needs. These individuals learned early on that expressing their true feelings might lead to rejection, criticism, or dismissal. Over time, they internalised these messages and developed what Winnicott refers to as a false self; an adaptive persona designed to meet external expectations and secure parental approval, rather than an expression of their authentic self.

This false self emerges to protect the individual from the pain of emotional invalidation, but it comes at the cost of suppressing the true self. The true self, in contrast, is the authentic, spontaneous core of a person and one that embodies their real thoughts, feelings, and desires. Unfortunately, for these clients, the true self often remains hidden, buried under layers of compliance and accommodation to avoid conflict with their parents.

Defending the Parents, Denying the Self

One of the most challenging features people face in this dynamic is their tendency to excuse or defend their parents, even in the face of significant emotional neglect or invalidation. They may say things like, “My parents did their best” or “They had a difficult upbringing too,” which often serves as a defense mechanism to avoid confronting the deeper pain of unmet emotional needs. This loyalty to their parents further strengthens the false self, as it reinforces the idea that their feelings are secondary to maintaining peace or protecting their parents from criticism.

Winnicott’s theory helps to explain why these individuals are stuck. The false self is highly functional in maintaining external relationships, but it does so by sacrificing the emotional authenticity of the true self. As a result, people can often feel disconnected from their own desires, unsure of their real emotions and incapable of asserting their true needs. Their deep need for parental approval overrides the development of their authentic personality, leaving them in a state of emotional stagnation.

The Need for Approval: Stuck in a Cycle of Pleasing

Because the false self is shaped by the need for external validation, these individuals often find themselves trapped in a cycle of pleasing their parents, seeking approval and suppressing their own wants. Even as adults, they long for their parents to recognise and validate their feelings, but when they attempt to assert themselves or stand up for their needs, they are often met with criticism or rejection.

Whenever they try to break free from this dynamic, whether by setting boundaries or pursuing their own desires, they face harsh pushback from their parents, which reinforces the false self’s dominance. They back down, fearing the loss of connection or approval and the true self remains stifled.

The True Self, False Self and Autonomy

In therapy, a significant part of the work involves helping clients reconnect with their true self; the part of them that has been buried under years of pleasing and compliance. This requires building emotional awareness, allowing them to recognise and validate their own feelings and encouraging them to trust their internal experience, even if it conflicts with their parents’ expectations.

Here are several key therapeutic steps that help clients begin to liberate their true selves:

1. Validating Their Emotional Experience: A crucial step in therapy is helping clients realise that their feelings matter. By creating a space where they can express their emotions without fear of rejection or criticism, clients begin to reawaken their true self, gaining confidence in their own emotional experience.

2. Unpacking the Defensiveness Toward Parents: Therapy often involves exploring the reasons why clients feel compelled to defend their parents. This is not about blaming parents, but about understanding how these defenses have contributed to the suppression of the true self. By acknowledging the emotional harm, clients can start to allow space for their own needs to emerge.

3. Building Self-Trust and Autonomy: Strengthening the true self involves helping clients recognise their own needs and desires, independent of their parents' expectations. This may involve practicing small acts of self-assertion, such as setting boundaries or making independent decisions, which gradually rebuilds their sense of autonomy.

4. Grieving the Childhood They Didn’t Have: One of the most emotionally challenging but necessary steps is allowing clients to mourn the loss of the emotional experiences they didn’t receive from their parents. They need to grieve the childhood where their true self could have been nurtured. By processing this grief, they can let go of the need for their parents' approval and begin to reclaim their own identity.

5. Learning to Assert Boundaries: Therapy often involves helping clients practice asserting boundaries with their parents. This can be difficult, as it risks triggering criticism, but learning to stand firm is a key step in re-establishing the true self and breaking free from the grip of the false self.

Conclusion

Winnicott’s concept of the true self and false self offers a powerful framework for understanding the emotional struggle of individuals who defend their parents while feeling stuck in their own lives. These clients, often driven by a need for approval, suppress their true selves in favour of a false self that meets external expectations. In therapy, the work involves gently guiding them to reconnect with their authentic feelings, assert their own needs and grieve the loss of the emotional support they never received.

By reclaiming their true self, clients can move from a state of emotional passivity, driven by pleasing others, to a place of autonomy, where they can begin to live in alignment with their true desires and values. The journey to authenticity is challenging, but it can lead to a life that is not shaped by the need for external validation, but by a deep, internal sense of self-worth where internal validation comes from within.

Winnicott D.W. (1960). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. CW 6:1:22.