Navigating the Barriers to Change in Psychotherapy
“A Personal Perspective”
As a psychotherapist, I’ve often noticed that while many people come to therapy wanting change, the journey towards it is anything but simple. Change, though inherently challenging, remains a fundamental goal for most clients. Yet, despite the discomfort that staying the same may bring, it is familiar territory, often safer and less daunting than the unknown. In my experience, various barriers can make the process of change quite difficult and understanding these barriers is essential for both clients and therapists to navigate the therapeutic journey more effectively.
The Comfort of Familiarity
One of the most significant reasons people resist change is the comfort of familiarity. The current ways of being, even when painful, are often rooted in coping mechanisms that helped individuals through earlier, more difficult times. I often remind my clients that these behaviours, although no longer helpful, were once essential for their survival. The logic is understandable: if these behaviours helped in the past, why change them now? But as we explore, we often find that these familiar patterns no longer serve the person in the present.
Survival Mechanisms
Survival mechanisms can be some of the strongest barriers to change. These behaviours, which once helped people navigate adversity, may now be holding them back. For example, someone who learned to suppress emotions to avoid conflict in a difficult childhood might still struggle to express their feelings in adult relationships. The old patterns, although no longer needed, have become deeply ingrained, making it difficult to let go. Together, my clients and I work gently to identify these outdated survival mechanisms and explore how to shift toward helpful, more adaptive ways of being.
The Role of Anger and Indignation
Another common barrier to change is the emotional complexity surrounding past experiences, especially feelings of anger and indignation. When someone has not received the love, care, or attention they needed from their parents, holding on to these emotions can feel validating. It’s a way of saying, "My experience mattered." But while these feelings are important to acknowledge, they can also make it difficult to move forward. In therapy, we work to process these emotions without letting them keep the person stuck in the past.
The Challenge of Surrendering to One's History
In my experience, a crucial part of change in therapy involves a form of surrender, acknowledging and mourning past experiences, particularly those that were abusive or neglectful. This can be an incredibly painful process because it requires confronting the reality of one's history and letting go of defences that have long been in place. However, surrendering to this process is necessary for moving through and away from the past. Mourning the past allows individuals to process their grief and begin to let go, creating space for new ways of being to emerge.
The Importance of Self-Compassion
One of the most powerful tools in overcoming barriers to change is self-compassion. I encourage my clients to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, particularly when confronting difficult pasts or current struggles. When they can approach themselves with compassion, the process of change can become more manageable. Self-compassion softens the harshness of self-criticism and allows individuals to embrace the idea that change is a gradual process, not something to achieve all at once.
Humanising Parents
For many clients, one of the biggest barriers to change is the way they view their parents. Years of hurt and resentment can lead to seeing parents as villains, stripped of their humanity. A large part of therapy often involves helping clients to begin the process of humanising their parents, acknowledging their flaws and struggles without excusing harmful behaviours. This nuanced understanding allows clients to release the emotional hold their past has on them and begin to move forward and to give themselves more distance from the past.
Overcoming Barriers to Change
The process of change is often complex and challenging, but it’s not impossible. In therapy, I work collaboratively with clients to address these barriers by:
Recognising Survival Mechanisms: Helping clients identify and understand old behaviours that once served them but may now be keeping them stuck and preventing their progress.
Processing Emotions: Acknowledging and working through feelings of anger, indignation and yearning for recognition, particularly from parents or significant figures.
Embracing Self-Compassion: Encouraging a compassionate attitude towards oneself, creating a supportive and safe environment for change.
Humanising Key Figures: Developing a more balanced view of parents or other influential people, allowing for the release of long-held grievances.
Surrendering to History: Supporting clients in mourning and accepting their past experiences, enabling them to let go of old patterns and embrace new ways of being.
Conclusion
Many people come to therapy wanting change, but the process is rarely straightforward. Change often requires navigating deeply rooted patterns, emotional layers and past experiences. These barriers can make the path feel overwhelming at times, but with patience, self-compassion and support, meaningful change is absolutely possible. Together, we navigate these challenges and help you move towards the emotional growth and understanding you're seeking. While the path to change may feel difficult, it's a valuable and rewarding investment in yourself and one that can lead to deep personal transformation.
