Becoming the Authors of Our Own Lives

“Moving Beyond the Past”

As a psychotherapist, I often work with people who are grappling with the weight of their past, attempting to make sense of their experiences and find meaning in the suffering and disappointments that have shaped them. Yet, what I find fascinating and ultimately liberating, is the idea that we are not defined by what has happened to us. Rather, we are defined by who we choose to become. We are, in essence, the authors of our own lives, constantly rewriting the script, even if at times we may feel stuck in a story that no longer serves us.

The Ongoing Dialogue with Childhood

Our relationship with our childhood is not static. We are in a constant, dynamic dialogue with the early experiences that shaped us, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. This is not a deterministic process where our past forever dictates our future. However, it is undeniable that some of us can get stuck in our childhood, allowing it to become a fixed, deterministic event that we carry into adulthood, shaping our identity, choices and relationships.

In these instances, our childhood narrative becomes frozen in time, a story we repeat to ourselves over and over again, reinforcing the same wounds, the same patterns, the same disappointments. When this happens, we remain static, living in the past, unable to move forward. What is essential to recognise is that while we cannot change our past, we have the power to change our relationship to it. We are always in the process of becoming, evolving beings capable of rewriting our story if we can allow ourselves the freedom to do so.

Stuck in a Static Story

Many clients will express a desire to "accept" their past, often saying things like, "I realise my parents did the best they could under the circumstances." This statement may reflect an intellectual understanding of the past, but it does not necessarily indicate an emotional resolution. What often signals that there is more emotional work to be done is when we observe the same past dynamics playing out in the present. A client might acknowledge their parents' limitations, yet continue to repeat similar patterns in their current relationships, such as seeking validation from emotionally unavailable partners or feeling unworthy of love and attention.

This repetition is not a sign of failure or stagnation; rather, it is a signal that the past has not yet been fully worked through on a deeper emotional level. True acceptance of the past goes beyond rational understanding, it requires an emotional reckoning, a release of the old patterns and narratives that keep us stuck. The point here is not to dismiss intellectual acceptance, but to recognise that deeper emotional work may still be necessary to move forward fully and freely.

The Existential Challenge: Making Meaning from Suffering

Existential philosophy offers us valuable insight into the challenge of making meaning from suffering and disappointment. Life is often absurd, unpredictable, cruel and filled with moments that seem impossible to make sense of. Yet, as human beings, we have a deep need to create meaning from our experiences, even the most painful ones.

In the existential view, suffering is an inevitable part of the human condition, and the challenge lies not in escaping it but in facing it with courage and honesty. We are tasked with finding meaning in our suffering, not as a way to deny or diminish the pain, but as a way to transcend it. This is not about romanticising hardship, but about recognising that our suffering is a part of our reality, and we must stay rooted in that reality, however frustrating or absurd it may feel.

There is a tendency, especially in our fast-paced, solution-oriented world, to bypass suffering in the search for quick fixes or easy answers. But true emotional maturity comes from staying with our pain, from acknowledging the disappointments, betrayals, and losses that have shaped us. Only by staying grounded in our reality, no matter how hard it may be, can we begin to find the meaning we seek.

Rewriting Our Narrative

One of the most empowering aspects of therapy is the realisation that we have the ability to rewrite our narrative. We are not the passive recipients of our past; we are the authors of our future. Yet, in order to write a new story, we must be willing to let go of the old one. This requires acknowledging where we are repeating past patterns in the present, and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions we have long suppressed or intellectualised.

If we continue telling ourselves the same story, we will keep reinforcing the same story. For example, if someone continues to believe they are not good enough or even unlovable because of their childhood experiences, they will likely seek out relationships or situations that reinforce that belief. By holding on to this static narrative, they prevent themselves from experiencing the possibility of being loved in the present.

The beauty of being human is that we are not fixed beings; we are always in a state of flux, of change. We have the ability to become something different, to evolve beyond the constraints of our past. But this requires a willingness to do the difficult emotional work of confronting our old stories and creating space for new ones to emerge.

Emotional Acceptance vs. Intellectual Acceptance

Rationally accepting the past and truly accepting it on a deeper emotional level are two very different things. Intellectual acceptance might look like acknowledging that our parents did their best, or that a painful event happened for reasons outside our control. But emotional acceptance is a more profound process, it involves not only recognising the facts of the past but also allowing ourselves to fully feel the emotions tied to those experiences.

I believe that part of this deeper emotional work often involves mourning. We must allow ourselves the space to grieve for the childhood we didn't get or the love, security, and validation that we were deprived of. Mourning for what was missing or lost helps us release the emotional hold those past experiences have on us. Without this process of grieving, we may remain stuck in old pain, unable to move forward or create new patterns in the present.

Emotional acceptance requires us to confront the grief, anger, sadness, or even rage that may still be lingering beneath the surface. This isn't about getting stuck in the sadness, but about making room for it, acknowledging that these feelings are valid and real. By doing so, we open up the possibility of emotional maturity because we are no longer carrying the unprocessed emotional weight of our past.

In therapy, this can be a transformative moment. By mourning the unmet needs of our past, we release the expectation that the present should fulfill those old longings. Emotional acceptance allows for the possibility of moving forward, because it opens the door to processing the emotions that have been frozen in time. When we do this, we no longer need to repeat the same patterns. We no longer need to project our past onto our present relationships, because we have integrated those experiences in a way that frees us from their grip.

The Role of Therapy: A Space for Transformation

Therapy is not about erasing the past or pretending that painful experiences never happened. It is about creating a space where clients can explore the ways in which their past continues to influence their present and where they can begin to rewrite their narrative. It is about recognising that we are dynamic, ever-changing beings with the capacity to transform our lives, not by denying our past, but by confronting it with honesty and self-compassion.

In therapy, we explore the ways in which the past is still alive in the present. We look at the stories clients are telling themselves and ask whether those stories are serving them or holding them back. We invite clients to imagine new possibilities for themselves, to see beyond the static narratives that have kept them stuck.

Conclusion: The Power of Becoming

We are not what happened to us. We are what we become. The past may shape us, but it does not define us. We are forever in a process of becoming, of rewriting our story in ways that allow us to grow, evolve and move forward. If we remain static in the past, telling ourselves the same story, we prevent ourselves from experiencing the fullness of life.

The work of therapy and indeed, the work of being human, is to confront our past with honesty, to find meaning in our suffering, and to create new narratives that allow us to live more fully in the present. We are always in dialogue with our past, but we have the power to shape that dialogue and to become the authors of our own lives.