The Couple’s Dance
“Managing Paradoxes in Relationships”
In couples work, my initial task is uncovering the unique dance that defines their relationship. I focus on identifying the push-me-pull-you dynamic that consistently emerges, as it reveals the deeper emotional patterns and themes that drive their interactions. Understanding this underlying dance is key to helping partners break free from repetitive cycles and move toward healthier, more connected ways of relating.
It's not so much about dissecting the specific details of any argument or conflict the couple are engaged in but rather about identifying the underlying emotional choreography that emerges between two people. This recurring dynamic, often repeated over time, is more telling than the content of individual disagreements. It reveals the deeper patterns and themes in the relationship that keep partners locked in a cycle of conflict, preventing genuine resolution and growth. These patterns, rooted in survival strategies, fear of vulnerability and unmet emotional needs, drive an intricate, often exhausting, couples’ dance.
The Couple’s Dance: Themes Beyond Content
In therapy, it’s tempting to focus on the specific details of conflicts—the "he said, she said" narratives. However, understanding a couple’s dynamic isn’t found in dissecting the content of their arguments but in examining the underlying themes. One partner might consistently feel let down, dismissed, or not good enough, while the other feels pushed around and controlled. These themes reflect deeper emotional currents. They aren’t just about surface-level disagreements; they reveal each partner’s deeper survival strategies. They also point to a common misunderstanding in relationships, the belief that our issues are binary problems to be solved. In reality, relationships are not about solving problems but about managing paradoxes while trying to understand each partner's unique experience. The true depth of a relationship lies in navigating the contradictions, balancing the needs for both connection and independence, structure and spontaneity, while deeply appreciating the individual perspectives and emotional landscapes of each person involved.
Managing Paradoxes, Not Solving Problems
To truly embrace the complexity of relationships, we need to appreciate that relational issues are rarely black-and-white. They are not problems with a clear solution; instead, they are paradoxes that need to be managed over time. For example, one of the most profound tensions in any relationship is the desire for both connection and independence. We want closeness and intimacy, but we also want autonomy and space. These are not contradictory goals, they are coexisting needs that must be balanced throughout a relationship.
The profound meaning of relationships lies in the ability to live within these binaries. We want security and structure, but we also long for spontaneity and play. Learning to live with these contradictions is where the true richness of a relationship emerges. It is not about fixing the desire for one or the other, but rather managing both needs and finding space for them to coexist.
Outsourcing Connection and Disavowing Needs
This push-me-pull-you dynamic often reflects a struggle between two fundamental human needs: connection and independence. In relationships, we may outsource our need for connection to our partner, denying it as if we don’t need it ourselves. One partner might unconsciously project their need for connection onto the other while outwardly rejecting it. Conversely, the other partner may disavow their need for independence, projecting it onto their partner while denying it within themselves.
This creates an imbalanced dynamic where the "needy" partner is constantly seeking emotional closeness, often feeling rejected or unsatisfied, while the "resistant" partner appears distant or detached. However, the resistant partner may also crave connection, they just haven’t owned that part of themselves. Meanwhile, the needy partner unconsciously pushes the resistant partner further away with their demands for closeness, reinforcing the distance. The result is a cycle where both partners’ emotional needs go unacknowledged, fueling frustration, resentment and a growing sense of disconnection.
The Illusion of Change
A common belief in struggling relationships is that if one partner changes, everything will improve. "If only they were more attentive, more sensitive, or less controlling, then I’d be happy." But both partners are locked in this dance together and real change requires each person to look at the part they play in the couple and take responsibility for their role in the dynamic.
Often, we are drawn to people who express the parts of ourselves we don’t want to confront in ourselves. We then project our unmet needs onto them, expecting them to carry the weight of fulfilling those needs. The reality is that only when we look inward and own our desires for connection or independence can we begin to break free from this relational cycle.
Predictability vs. Play: The Loss of Spontaneity
One of the patterns I often see in long-term relationships and families is the shift toward predictability and structure. As couples build their lives around the needs of their children, work and daily routines, structure becomes paramount. Children thrive on structure and adults often need it to balance the demands of life. However, predictability can easily replace spontaneity and the uncertainty that relationships also require to stay vibrant.
While structure is essential, especially in parenting, couples often lose the element of play that is crucial to a thriving relationship. As children, we learn so much through play; imagination, flexibility, problem-solving and how to navigate both joy and uncertainty. Play allows us to explore different parts of ourselves, experiment with new behaviours, and take risks in a safe environment. These elements of spontaneity and flexibility are vital in adult relationships as well.
In the absence of play, relationships can become rigid, predictable and stagnant. The routines that are so crucial for maintaining family life can slowly erode the spark that keeps a couple connected. Without play, couples may feel that they are just going through the motions, surviving, but not thriving. Play allows couples to remain curious about each other, to be spontaneous, to laugh and to explore the unexpected. It brings back a sense of aliveness and keeps the relationship dynamic and growing.
Modern Loneliness in Relationships
One of the most significant threats to relationships today is the modern version of loneliness, being physically present but emotionally distant. In our hyper-connected world, where screens and devices constantly distract us, couples may find themselves in the same room but mentally elsewhere. Partners may be scrolling through social media, replying to emails or binge-watching shows instead of connecting with each other.
This emotional disconnection can be like trying to grow a plant without ever watering it. We assume that, because we’ve been together for years, we no longer need to express love or acknowledgment as often. But taking each other for granted is one of the surest ways to drain the life out of a relationship. Without the regular expression of love and interest, even long-term partnerships can begin to wither.
Ambiguous Loss and Emotional Absence
Pauline Boss’s concept of ‘ambiguous loss’ is highly relevant when discussing the emotional absence in relationships. Ambiguous loss occurs when someone is physically present but psychologically absent. This happens, for example, in cases of Alzheimer’s, where a loved one is physically there but can dip in and out of a relational connection with us.
This type of loss can also occur in relationships where one partner is emotionally checked out. The couple may still live together, go through the routines of daily life, but emotionally, one or both partners are absent. This kind of emotional absence leaves the remaining partner feeling abandoned, even though no one has physically left the relationship. Over time, it can create a deep sense of grief and longing, as though the relationship is slowly eroding from within.
Rediscovering Each Other Through Acknowledgment
Relationships need acknowledgment to thrive. Taking each other for granted is the death of a relationship, while regular acknowledgment, of each other’s presence, feelings, and contributions, keeps the connection alive. The longer a couple is together, the more important this becomes. Ironically, the more time that passes, the less we feel the need to express our love, interest, and appreciation, believing that time alone signifies our commitment. But time without engagement breeds disconnection.
Acknowledgment isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about the small, consistent ways we show our partner that they matter. Acknowledging each other is how we stay emotionally present, how we stay curious and interested in the evolving person we share our life with. Without this, we risk slipping into a desert of emotional absence, where partners are physically together but emotionally disengaged.
Procreation as a Symbol of Fragile Connection
A further observation I would make about couples is the way some may use procreation as a symbolic connection, particularly when the emotional bond between them is fragile. Having children can sometimes serve as a pseudo-way of maintaining connection in the relationship, rather than addressing the underlying issues. As the number of children grows, it can be a sign that the couple is avoiding their own emotional disconnection, focusing instead on the shared responsibility of raising a family.
While children are a wonderful and vital part of family life, they cannot replace the emotional connection that must exist between partners. In cases where the relationship between the couple is fragile, having more children may provide a temporary distraction, but it cannot resolve the underlying emotional distance.
Thriving vs. Surviving: The Importance of Play and Engagement
Couples have a choice: to survive together or to thrive together. Surviving means going through the motions, relying on routine and predictability to keep the relationship afloat. Thriving means staying engaged, curious and playful with each other. It means taking risks, allowing for spontaneity and being willing to embrace the unknowns of a relationship.
Play, in this context, is not just about having fun, but about staying emotionally flexible and responsive to each other. It allows couples to remain dynamic, to keep growing and to continually rediscover each other. Without play, relationships can become rigid and stagnant, losing the aliveness that makes them truly fulfilling.
Conclusion: The Couple’s Dance Can Be Transformed
Relationships are a dance of connection and independence, of push-me-pull-you. While conflict is inevitable, it doesn’t have to be destructive. With awareness, couples can transform their negative cycles into a dance of vitality and connection. The challenge is to remain engaged, to keep acknowledging each other’s importance, and to maintain the balance between routine and spontaneity.
Taking each other for granted is the slow erosion of a relationship, while acknowledgment and play keep it alive. Whether a couple chooses to survive or thrive together depends on their willingness to stay emotionally present and connected. The dance doesn’t have to stay stuck in negative patterns, there is always the possibility for new steps, new rhythms and a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
Moreover, relationships are not just about resolving problems; they are about learning to live with the inherent paradoxes. It’s important to find a balance between the binaries, craving both security and spontaneity, routine and unpredictability. The true beauty of relationships lies in embracing this ongoing process, learning to manage contradictions rather than seeking to eliminate them.
Boss, P., Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, Harvard University Press, 2000.