Transforming Childhood Insecure Attachment in Adulthood
“Shifting to a Secure Attachment Through Therapy”
The good news is that an insecure attachment style can transform into a secure one, opening the door to healthier, more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. While early attachment patterns and experiences set the wheels in motion for how we connect with others, they are not set in stone and permanent. With dedication, self-awareness, a commitment to change in psychotherapy and the support of secure relationships, this shift is entirely possible. This article will explore how these changes can happen and help us better understand the process toward developing a secure attachment style.
Attachment theory was originally developed by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1969), in the 1950s. Bowlby was interested in understanding the bond between infants and their primary caregivers and he believed that early attachment experiences significantly shaped a person’s emotional development and their ability to form relationships later in life.
Bowlby’s work was later expanded by Mary Ainsworth (1978), a developmental psychologist who conducted the famous "Strange Situation" experiment in the 1970s. This study helped identify different types of attachment styles; secure, anxious, avoidant, and later disorganised, further refining the theory. Together, Bowlby and Ainsworth are considered the foundational figures in the development and advancement of attachment theory.
The Roots of Attachment
Attachment styles develop based on early interactions with caregivers, shaping how individuals relate to others throughout life.
A secure attachment style forms when caregivers are consistently responsive and nurturing, leading the child to develop a positive internal working model where they feel worthy of love and trust that others will provide support.
In contrast, an anxious attachment style emerges when caregiving is inconsistent, causing the child to crave closeness while fearing abandonment, reflecting a less stable internal working model.
An avoidant attachment style develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or neglectful, prompting the child to rely on themselves and avoid seeking emotional support from others.
Finally, a disorganised attachment style arises when the caregiver is a source of fear or unpredictability, resulting in a confused and chaotic internal working model where the child struggles with both trust and self-worth. These early attachment experiences are critical in shaping future relational patterns, though they can be altered with new experiences or therapeutic intervention.
Here is a breakdown of what attachment theory says about changing one's attachment style:
1. Early Attachment and Influence
Attachment styles; secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized, are thought to be formed in early childhood based on your relationship with primary caregivers. These patterns often follow you into adult relationships, influencing how you relate to others, manage intimacy and cope with conflict. However, these are considered to be adaptive responses to the environment at that time, not permanent or unchangeable traits.
2. Attachment Styles Are Not Fixed
According to research (2004), attachment styles can change over time, especially if someone is aware of their patterns and consciously works to develop healthier ways of relating. Life experiences, such as entering into a secure, supportive relationship or engaging in psychotherapy, can contribute to this change.
For example:
• An individual with an anxious attachment style might learn to regulate their emotional responses and develop trust in relationships.
• Someone with an avoidant attachment style could begin to feel more comfortable with intimacy and emotional closeness.
3. The Role of Therapy in Changing Attachment Style
Therapy is essential for reshaping attachment styles, offering a supportive space to explore emotional needs and relationship patterns. Attachment theorists believe that change can happen within new, secure relationships. In this context, the therapist temporarily takes on the role of an attachment figure, much like a nurturing caregiver. Therapist and client work together to rebuild trust, reestablish security and help develop crucial skills such as emotional regulation and healthy intimacy. This process helps individuals break free from old patterns and move toward more secure, fulfilling relationships.
4. Neuroplasticity
From a neuroscience perspective, the brain's capacity for change, known as neuroplasticity, supports the idea that attachment styles can shift over time. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to reorganise itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. This means that as people engage in therapy and build healthier relationships, their brain literally rewires, creating new pathways that reinforce more secure patterns of attachment. This ongoing flexibility of the brain allows for the development of new ways of thinking, feeling and relating, even in adulthood.
5. Internal Working Models
The internal working model plays a key role in determining an individual's attachment style. According to Bowlby, it is the mental framework that children develop based on their early interactions with caregivers. This model shapes their expectations and beliefs about relationships, both about how they perceive themselves (whether they are worthy of love and care) and how they view others (whether others can be trusted to provide love and support). In essence, the internal working model is the cognitive and emotional foundation that shapes how attachment styles are formed and how individuals approach relationships throughout life. However, these models are not fixed and can evolve with new experiences or through therapeutic work.
6. Earned Secure Attachment
Some adults who may have had insecure attachment styles in childhood can develop what is called ‘earned secure attachment’ (Main, 1985) through significant relational experiences, including psychotherapy, personal self-development and/or positive intimate relationships. This shows that even if someone starts with an anxious or avoidant style, they can move towards a more secure attachment style over time.
Even with a Secure Attachment, Old Patterns Can Still Trigger Regression
Even if a person has developed a more secure attachment style over time, they may still occasionally get triggered and regress into old, insecure patterns. This happens because early attachment experiences create deeply ingrained emotional and behavioural responses that can resurface during moments of stress, conflict, or vulnerability.
Here are some key reasons for this regression:
Emotional Triggers: Certain situations, especially those that mirror early attachment experiences (like rejection, abandonment, or conflict), can trigger old feelings of insecurity, causing the individual to temporarily revert to their previous attachment patterns.
Neural Pathways: Even though the brain can rewire itself (thanks to neuroplasticity), old neural pathways from insecure attachment styles don’t disappear. Under stress, these older, well-worn pathways can be reactivated, leading to familiar negative responses.
Deep-Rooted Fears: Attachment wounds from childhood can run deep. When a person feels particularly vulnerable or threatened in a relationship, they may revert to old defensive mechanisms, such as withdrawing (avoidant) or becoming overly anxious (anxious attachment).
Chronic Stress: Long-term stress or significant emotional events (such as loss, trauma, or life transitions) can weaken a person's ability to rely on their secure attachment strategies, making them more prone to falling back into old patterns.
While the overall attachment style may have evolved and changed to a secure one, these moments of regression are natural. However, with self-awareness, self-compassion and ongoing work in therapy or safe and stable relationships, individuals can recover more quickly and continue to strengthen their secure attachment patterns over time.
Conclusion: Attachment Styles Can Evolve and Change
While early attachment styles shape how we relate to others, they are not set in stone and are far from being permanent. With self-awareness, supportive therapy and nurturing relationships, we can gradually transform an insecure attachment style into a more secure one. This shift allows us to experience healthier and more satisfying relationships. Ultimately, we have the capacity to shape how we connect with others, paving the way for relationships that are more fulfilling, secure and authentic. This allows for the possibility of building deeper, more meaningful relational bonds with those around us.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Fraley, R. C., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2004). A Dynamical Systems Approach to Conceptualizing and Studying Stability and Change in Attachment Security. Adult Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Implications, 86–132.
Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. In I. Bretherton & E. Waters (Eds.), Growing points of attachment theory and research. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development (Vol. 50, pp. 66–104). University of Chicago Press.