I’m Triggered, Now What?
“Navigating the Anxieties of New Love”
Meeting a potential new love interest can be exhilarating and filled with promise, but for many, it also comes with a sudden wave of anxiety, urgency and even panic. You might find yourself becoming fixated on this person, wanting to spend all your time together, thinking of ways to fast-track to a relationship and even be already fantasising about living together. You’ve only just met and yet it’s as if the only way to calm the overwhelming feelings is to make the relationship official and secure, as quickly as possible! This is the scenario I’ve selected for this article which, will sound familiar to many: you meet someone new and immediately you start wondering, "Are they the one?" This intense response often signals that something deeper is being triggered. Understanding what's going on can help you navigate these feelings and hopefully move you towards a healthier, more balanced approach to new love.
In recent years, the term "triggered" has become a common shorthand for describing a strong emotional reaction to a situation, comment or memory. While it may seem like just another buzzword, the concept behind being "triggered" is significant and deserves careful attention. In a therapeutic sense, being triggered refers to experiencing a sudden emotional response, such as anxiety, anger, fear, or sadness, often linked to past experiences, trauma, or deeply rooted emotional patterns. Understanding why this happens and knowing how to navigate these intense feelings can help you manage your emotional responses more effectively.
The Anxiety of Uncertainty
When you meet someone new and feel intensely drawn to them, it often brings up uncertainty, a sense of not knowing where things are going or if the person feels the same way. This ambiguity can trigger anxiety, especially if you have a history of relational trauma or attachment issues. The mind starts seeking ways to reduce this uncertainty as quickly as possible, leading to behaviours like wanting to rush the relationship, seek constant reassurance, or push for emotional closeness too quickly. The anxiety isn't just about the person; it's about what their presence represents, a chance to fulfill unmet needs or avoid feelings of insecurity.
What’s Happening When You’re Triggered?
When you feel triggered in this situation, it's your emotional brain (limbic system) responding to the perceived threat of rejection, abandonment, uncertainty very often based on past relational experiences. Even though meeting someone new is an exciting experience, it also brings up the possibility of disappointment or not being chosen, which can feel incredibly threatening, especially for those with anxious attachment styles. The fight-flight-freeze response may get activated; also known as survival mode, leading you to either cling to the person (fight), pull away emotionally (flight) or feel stuck and paralysed (freeze).
If a person has a history of insecure attachment or relational trauma (e.g., abandonment, betrayal), their brain becomes hyper-attuned to signs of rejection or emotional neglect, even in minor or ambiguous situations. For example, a delayed text response or a partner's perceived lack of enthusiasm can feel like an impending threat, propelling them into survival mode (fight-flight-freeze) as though they are reliving past experiences of hurt.
This occurs because the emotional brain quickly responds to perceived danger, overriding the rational brain's ability to assess the situation logically. The fear of uncertainty in the early relationship stages can amplify this reaction, leading to hyper-vigilance, intense anxiety and behaviours like seeking reassurance, clinging, or trying to fast-track intimacy to regain a sense of security. These responses are often shaped by early attachment patterns or unresolved emotional wounds, where you may have felt abandoned, neglected, or unloved. This cocktail of emotions can cause people to project past fears onto new relationships, making it difficult to see the new partner without the filter of past relational pain.
The brain is wired to protect you from similar emotional pain, so it tries to control the situation by seeking to make the relationship secure quickly. This explains the urge to spend all your time together, make the relationship official and exclusive or even move in right away; it's an attempt to eliminate uncertainty and avoid the discomfort of not knowing where things stand.
Attachment Styles and Emotional Hunger
If you have an anxious or disorganised attachment style, you might feel a heightened sense of urgency in relationships. The thought of potential rejection can trigger an intense need for reassurance, closeness and commitment. This urgency is often linked to what Esther Perel calls "emotional hunger"; the feeling of not just wanting love but needing it to fill an internal void. In this state, you may look to the new person as the solution to feelings of loneliness, insecurity or unworthiness.
Conversely, someone with an avoidant attachment style may also become triggered but respond differently; by withdrawing, putting up emotional walls, or keeping the person at a distance to protect themselves from getting hurt. These attachment dynamics play a significant role in how people react to the uncertainty and vulnerability that come with new relationships.
The Role of Idealisation and Fantasy
The early stages of meeting a new love interest often involves idealisation. You may find yourself projecting qualities onto the person or fantasising about a perfect future together. This idealisation is driven by a desire to believe that this person is "the one," who will finally meet all your emotional needs and solve your relationship struggles. However, when reality doesn't match the fantasy, it can lead to disappointment and even more anxiety.
The Relational Intra-Personal and Inter-Personal Dimensions at Play
It's important to recognise how both intra-personal and inter-personal factors contribute to the intense responses that can arise when encountering a new love interest:
1. Intra-personal (internal self): When triggered, your internal relationship with yourself plays a crucial role. Feelings of self-doubt, past emotional wounds or unresolved trauma may surface, causing your emotional state to hinge on the actions or responses of the other person. If your sense of self-worth is tied to whether or not the relationship progresses, your anxiety will likely be heightened.
2. Inter-personal (relationship with others): How you relate to the new person is also influenced by your past relational experiences. If you’ve been hurt before, you may hyper-focus on potential signs of rejection or cling to the relationship out of fear that it will slip away. This inter-personal dynamic may involve projecting past relationship patterns onto the present situation, leading you to respond as if history is repeating itself.
Common Reactions to Confronting These Feelings
When faced with the anxiety and discomfort of a new relationship, people may engage in various coping mechanisms to manage their emotions:
1. Clinging to Reassurance: Constantly seeking validation from the other person to reduce anxiety, such as frequently asking, "Do you like me?" or pushing for labels and commitments.
2. Avoiding Vulnerability: Alternating between wanting closeness and pulling away, or refusing to share feelings to avoid being hurt.
3. Idealising or Fantasy Thinking: Focusing on an idealised version of the person rather than seeing them for who they really are.
4. Numbing or Distraction: Using distractions, such as social media or work, to avoid dealing with feelings of uncertainty or anxiety.
Learning to Get Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable
Understanding why you're triggered in these situations is the first step toward managing your emotional responses. Here’s how you can work on getting comfortable with the discomfort:
1. Acknowledge Your Triggers: Recognise when you are being triggered and understand that the feelings may not be solely about the new person but are connected to deeper emotional patterns.
2. Slow Down: Resist the urge to rush the relationship. Take time to get to know the person without jumping to conclusions or fast-tracking intimacy. This allows for a more balanced and realistic perspective of the relationship.
3. Embrace Uncertainty: Relationships come with a level of unknown, and learning to tolerate ambiguity can help reduce anxiety. Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present and avoid getting caught up in future worries or fantasies.
4. Reflect on Intra-Personal and Inter-Personal Dynamics: Explore how your past experiences are influencing your present feelings. Ask yourself if you're reacting based on the current situation or if you're reliving old emotional wounds.
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself when you feel triggered. Recognise that these responses are natural, especially if you have a history of attachment difficulties or trauma.
Conclusion: Leaning Into the Discomfort
Meeting a new love interest can stir up a mixture of excitement and anxiety, especially when the fear of rejection or uncertainty is triggered. By understanding what’s happening internally and taking a mindful approach to these emotions, you can learn to lean into the discomfort rather than letting it control your actions. The goal is not to eliminate these feelings but to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable, finding the courage to ‘take your foot off the gas’ and let the relationship unfold naturally while staying connected to your own emotional needs. It’s not easy to do but it’s not impossible either!