When Being Needed Replaces Being Loved
“Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Disconnection in Couples”
A common dynamic I see as a couples therapist is when one partner, feeling emotionally unfulfilled, starts to take on the role of problem-solver, fixer or caregiver in the relationship. Rather than confronting their deeper unmet emotional needs, they focus on becoming indispensable to their partner by being helpful. This "caregiver trap" may feel like a path to emotional security, as they believe being useful will protect the relationship. However, it comes at a cost to emotional intimacy. The more they focus ‘only’ on fixing or solving issues, the further they drift from the deeper emotional connection that both partners really need.
We could argue that modern relationships, with their focus on independence and self-sufficiency, are ripe for this dynamic. People may feel uncomfortable being emotionally vulnerable and instead shift to roles where they feel more in control, like the role of the caregiver. In today’s culture, where emotional vulnerability can be perceived as a weakness, people gravitate toward "usefulness" as a way to guarantee their place in a relationship. But instead of creating and developing emotional intimacy, this dynamic often leads to a sense of resentment, disconnection and emotional distance.
Here is a fictitious scenario to better understand this dynamic:
The Couple: Mark and Jess
Mark and Jess have been together for four years. Jess is someone who prides herself on being supportive, always ready to help Mark when he’s stressed or struggling with work or family issues. Whenever Mark comes home frustrated about a problem, Jess is quick to offer solutions: "You should talk to your boss this way," or "Have you thought about doing it differently?" She’s practical, giving advice on how to approach every situation. In her mind, she’s being a good partner by "fixing" Mark’s problems.
Mark, on the other hand, is increasingly feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. What he really wants is for Jess to listen and understand his feelings, but instead, every time he shares something, he feels like he’s being coached. He feels pressure to take her advice, even if it doesn’t align with what he wants. Mark is starting to withdraw emotionally because he feels that Jess is more focused on solving his problems than being emotionally present.
This is where the resentment starts to build. Jess feels frustrated because she’s doing all she can to help, but Mark seems distant and ungrateful. Mark feels frustrated because he’s looking for emotional support, not solutions. He wants to feel seen and heard, but instead, he feels like a project Jess is working on. The more Jess tries to help, the more Mark pulls away, and the more disconnected they become.
If I Can’t Be Loved, I’ll Be Helpful
This dynamic is something Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert, has explored in her work. Perel discusses how, when people feel they aren’t being emotionally loved, they often shift into a mindset of "If I can’t be loved, I’ll be needed." In this role, the partner compensates for a lack of emotional connection by becoming indispensable through acts of service, advice-giving or caregiving.
In Jess’s case, she may not even realise that her constant problem-solving is a substitute for her deeper emotional need, to feel loved and valued by Mark. By offering advice and taking on the role of the fixer, she hopes to make herself needed by Mark, creating a sense of security for herself in the relationship. Being indispensable feels like a way to keep the relationship strong, but instead, it often leads to resentment on both sides.
Perel suggests that this behaviour stems from unmet emotional needs. Jess’s desire to be helpful is driven by a deeper fear that she may not be loved just for who she is. The more she tries to be useful, the more it becomes a substitute for the emotional closeness she truly craves. She isn’t just helping Mark with practical matters; she’s trying to guarantee her place in the relationship.
But this dynamic is ultimately damaging. As Mark pulls away, the emotional connection Jess is seeking remains elusive. The relationship becomes one of practicality, where Jess is the fixer and Mark feels burdened by the expectation that he needs to follow her advice. Emotional intimacy fades because being helpful replaces being emotionally vulnerable.
The Cost of This Dynamic: Resentment and Emotional Disconnection
Over time, this pattern of caregiving can lead to significant resentment on both sides. Jess starts to feel unappreciated because her efforts to help seem to be ignored. She doesn’t understand why Mark isn’t grateful for her advice and why he isn’t doing the things she suggests. This creates frustration and emotional exhaustion for Jess, as she’s pouring energy into the relationship without feeling valued in return.
On the other hand, Mark feels increasingly pressured. What he needs is for Jess to sit with him in his discomfort, to acknowledge his feelings, and to offer emotional support. But instead, every conversation feels like a directive, with Jess telling him what to do. He feels emotionally unseen and pressured to act, which leads him to withdraw further. This withdrawal reinforces Jess’s sense that she needs to do more to help, creating a cycle of disconnection.
Breaking the Cycle: From Problem-Solving to Emotional Presence
To break this cycle, couples need to shift their focus from being practically helpful to being emotionally present. For Jess, this means recognising that her worth in the relationship doesn’t come from solving problems or being indispensable. It comes from being emotionally available, from listening to Mark’s frustrations without jumping to solution and from offering him a space where he feels seen and supported.
For Mark, it’s about being able to express what he needs from Jess more clearly. Instead of shutting down or withdrawing when he feels overwhelmed, he can let Jess know that he values her emotional support more than her advice. Both partners need to step into a more emotionally vulnerable space, where they can express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection.
Here’s how they can begin to shift this dynamic:
• Communication: Mark can let Jess know that, while he appreciates her advice, what he really needs is for her to simply listen and validate his feelings. He can share that emotional connection means more to him than problem-solving.
• Self-awareness: Jess can reflect on why she feels the need to fix things. Is she worried about being loved if she’s not solving problems? Recognising this can help her approach the relationship from a place of emotional vulnerability rather than practicality.
• Non-Judgmental Space: Jess can focus on giving Mark the space to express his needs and emotions without feeling judged or dismissed. By providing a non-judgmental space, Jess can show that she values Mark’s perspective. This openness can help Mark feel more secure in sharing his emotions.
• Emotional Reciprocity: Both partners need to practice emotional reciprocity, being present with each other’s feelings without trying to fix or control the situation.
Building a Relationship Based on Emotional Intimacy
It’s not that practicality or problem-solving doesn’t have its place, but a fulfilling connection is built more on emotional connection and intimacy. For Jess and Mark, shifting from a focus on being helpful and fixing to being emotionally present can create a stronger, more intimate bond. By making space for vulnerability, genuine emotional presence and open communication, they can break the cycle of resentment and build a relationship rooted in trust, support and authentic love. Ultimately, relationships do not thrive because we feel needed, but because we feel seen, heard and emotionally valued, this is the true foundation of intimacy.