Stuck On Repeat
“Why We Keep Repeating Self-Sabotaging Patterns”
As a psychotherapist, I often work with clients caught up in patterns that reinforce feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, or shame. These cycles can seem self-sabotaging, even masochistic, as individuals find themselves repeating behaviours or entering situations that trigger feelings of failure or guilt.
In therapy, one of the most revealing insights is that people often unconsciously repeat patterns that do not serve them well at all. These self-defeating behaviours, often originating in unresolved wounds or unmet needs, can lead individuals to entering into and staying in relationships and situations that reinforce their beliefs about themselves.
So, whether we get caught up in cycles of self-doubt or find ourselves in the recurring pattern of entering dead-end or even abusive relationships, we often become 'stuck on repeat,' unable to break free from the behaviours that hold us back. However, this tendency is not merely coincidental; it is deeply rooted in what Freud described as the repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously re-enact unresolved painful experiences in the hope of mastering them, only to find themselves trapped in self-defeating loops (Freud, 1920).
In this article, I explore the diverse factors driving recurring, self-sabotaging patterns, revealing that these behaviours are often shaped by more than just childhood trauma or neglect. Elements like attachment styles and struggles with self-worth also play a significant role in why individuals may find themselves caught in repetitive, unfulfilling, or even harmful cycles. I conclude by examining how therapy can help individuals develop self-awareness, which in turn allows for the reshaping of these behaviours. This newfound understanding can unlock a sense of agency and freedom, enabling people to break free from self-limiting patterns.
Why Self-Defeating Patterns Occur
1. Repetition Compulsion: The Theory Behind the Pattern
Freud's concept of repetition compulsion helps explain why people return to painful situations. In this theory, individuals unconsciously repeat behaviours and experiences that mirror unresolved conflicts from early life, regardless of whether these repetitions are healthy. For someone who felt ignored or unworthy growing up, an abusive or emotionally unavailable partner may feel oddly familiar. While painful, these dynamics echo early relationships, providing a distorted sense of comfort by reinforcing familiar feelings. As unsettling as this cycle may seem, it is driven by an attempt to gain control over the unresolved pain of the past.
2. The Impact of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory tells us that early relationships, particularly with caregivers, lay the foundation for how we relate to others. Individuals with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant or disorganised) may gravitate towards relationships that mirror their early experiences. An anxious attachment style, for instance, might lead someone to cling to relationships, seeking reassurance but often feeling unworthy. This attachment to feeling "needed" can contribute to repetitive self-defeating patterns, particularly in romantic relationships.
3. Low Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem or self-worth may not have experienced direct abuse in childhood, yet they still struggle to see themselves as deserving of healthy, affirming relationships. For them, any attention, even negative, is reinforcing. This can lead to staying in relationships where they feel neglected or undervalued, confirming an underlying belief that they are somehow "not good enough." These beliefs serve to reinforce their self-perception, creating a self-fulfilling cycle that is difficult to break.
4. Social Learning and Cultural Messages
Cultural and social conditioning also plays a significant role. Many individuals internalise societal expectations about love, sacrifice and duty that romanticise suffering and endurance as virtues within relationships. This "normalises" unhealthy dynamics, leading people to stay in relationships that do not truly nurture them. This cultural backdrop, where devotion and resilience are sometimes misinterpreted as tolerance for dysfunction, creates fertile ground for repetition.
5. The Appeal of Intensity in Love
A common pattern is the search for intense relationships as a substitute for connection. Many individuals, especially those who grew up with ambivalent attachment, confuse intensity with love. They are drawn to partners who create drama or who are unpredictable, unconsciously recreating the highs and lows they experienced in their formative relationships. Intense relationships provide a thrill, but this often comes at the cost of stability and emotional safety.
6. Cognitive Distortions and Rationalisations
People often rationalise or justify mistreatment, convincing themselves that things will improve or that they can "fix" the relationship through patience and resilience. These cognitive distortions keep them in repetitive cycles, where the need to be validated by their partner eclipses the awareness that the relationship is harming them. Self-talk filled with rationalisations and minimisations prevents them from acknowledging that they are, indeed, stuck in an unhelpful pattern.
7. Seeking Control and Security
For some, maintaining a sense of control or familiarity is comforting, even if it is negative. They may enter or stay in harmful relationships simply because it feels predictable. The prospect of leaving a harmful situation for something unknown can trigger feelings of vulnerability. Staying with what is familiar, even if it is harmful, can feel safer than venturing into the unknown.
How The Story We Keep Telling Ourselves Keeps Us Stuck in the Story
Repetitive patterns are fuelled by the narratives we construct about ourselves. These narratives often stem from deep-seated beliefs formed in response to early relational experiences. For instance, someone who has internalised the belief, "I am unworthy of love," might find themselves in relationships that reflect this belief. They might stay in situations where they are undervalued or overlooked because it confirms the story they believe to be true. In turn, the narrative keeps them in a loop, reinforcing the idea that this is what they deserve.
When people start to examine the stories they tell themselves in therapy, they often realise how limiting these narratives are. A common thread is the belief that their worth is tied to external validation, whether from a romantic partner, boss, family member or friend. This external validation (or dependence) can reinforce self-doubt and keep them stuck in patterns that undermine their sense of self. Therapy offers a space to dismantle these narratives, building the foundation for internal validation, a recognition of worth that comes from within, independent of external approval. Through this shift, individuals are empowered to affirm their inherent value, moving beyond self-defeating cycles towards a healthier, more resilient self-concept.
Mindsets for Growth in Therapy
For individuals to genuinely benefit from therapy, certain qualities and a specific mindset can make all the difference. One essential quality is curiosity, a genuine interest in understanding themselves and a readiness to explore why they keep ending up in similar emotional spaces or relationships. This self-inquiry can be challenging, as it involves questioning long-held beliefs and looking critically at patterns that may have become comfortable, if unproductive. Additionally, therapy demands courage: the courage to confront aspects of themselves that may be painful, uncomfortable or unfamiliar. It requires an openness to step outside of one's comfort zone and engage in what I call 'intentional work'; a commitment to self-exploration with a clear purpose and willingness to embrace temporary discomfort as part of the emotional growth process. This intentionality fuels the journey, helping to develop resilience and break free from self-limiting narratives.
Emotional Growth Through Therapy
Therapy is a powerful tool for breaking free from these patterns. Especially, psychodynamic or psychoanalytic which work allows individuals to revisit and make sense of the experiences that shaped their self-perception and relational behaviours. This involves addressing past injuries or filling in emotional gaps. Therapy creates an environment where disavowed experiences are given space and validation. The disavowed parts are those aspects of ourselves or our past that we deny or suppress. This process is often uncomfortable, but it allows for self-exploration and, ultimately, transformation.
For those who have suppressed trauma or lived with chronic self-doubt, this journey may initially feel daunting. Revisiting these narratives, especially for those who find safety in self-blame or rationalisations, is deeply challenging. However, many people who work through these patterns talk about discovering a newfound strength on the other side. Therapy enables them to realise that they are not defined by their past and that they possess the power to author a different story.
The Role of Repetition Compulsion
Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion underpins much of our understanding of these behaviours. Freud observed that individuals unconsciously seek out situations that mirror unresolved conflicts from their past. This tendency to repeat can feel paradoxical; why would someone return to situations that cause them pain? Freud’s theory suggests that the unconscious mind seeks to master these unresolved experiences, even if the conscious mind resists them. By bringing these patterns into awareness, therapy helps individuals examine why they are drawn to self-defeating cycles and how to build healthier, self-affirming relationships.
Breaking the Pattern: Transforming Self-Defeating Cycles
Breaking free from these patterns requires consistent effort and often a willingness to explore aspects of oneself that have long been hidden or denied. Great work can be done in therapy in identifying and challenging the underlying beliefs and narratives that keep people "stuck on repeat." By developing self-awareness and self-compassion, individuals can move towards creating relationships with themselves and others that affirm their worth and align with their values. When clients reach this point, they often talk about feeling a profound sense of freedom. They can finally live in a way that honours their true self, rather than being defined by their past.
The journey out of self-defeating patterns is undeniably challenging, often long, winding and complex, yet profoundly transformative. Through understanding and actively disrupting these cycles, individuals begin to reclaim control over their lives, recognising that they are not bound to relive the past. This newfound awareness empowers them to shape a future that reflects their true potential; one defined by choice, freedom and a renewed sense of agency.
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the pleasure principle. London: Hogarth Press.