Surfing the Emotional Waves

“Finding Balance in Emotional Responses”

Surfing on water may not be something I have experienced, but I am well-acquainted with surfing of a different kind: riding the waves of emotions. In my clinical work, the metaphor of surfing naturally emerged as I bore witness to the immense challenges clients face in feeling, managing and responding to emotions. This metaphor has become a useful tool in helping clients understand the delicate balance between emotional and intellectual responses.

Much like surfing, emotional regulation is about riding waves; sometimes they are gentle and easy to manage, but at other times, they come crashing down with intensity. The metaphor serves as a helpful way of understanding the ups and downs of emotional experiences. Emotional regulation is not about controlling or suppressing emotions, but about learning to ride them, similar to how a surfer learns to maintain balance on their board. But what happens when those emotional waves are shaped by unresolved feelings, internal defences and past trauma?

This article explores how "surfing" emotions highlights the importance of finding balance between feeling and thinking, between emotional reactivity and intellectual processing and how trauma fits into this complex picture.

1. Surfing the Emotional Waves

Experiencing emotions can be likened to catching a wave. Some waves are small and gentle, easy to navigate; others are large, overwhelming and unpredictable. In the same way, emotions can feel manageable at times, while in other moments, they become overpowering, leaving us unsure of how to respond. Learning to surf these emotional waves is a skill, much like learning to surf in the ocean; it requires practice, balance and a deep awareness of one's internal landscape.

Just as a surfer does not immediately master standing on the board without first learning to balance, we cannot expect to glide through emotional experiences without first understanding the forces at play beneath the surface. For some, riding emotional waves may feel effortless, while others find it challenging to stay balanced. How we navigate these waves depends on several factors, including upbringing, coping mechanisms and any unresolved trauma or emotional injuries.

2. The Layers Beneath the Surf: Physiological and Psychological Responses

When learning to surf, it is not just about standing on the board. A surfer must learn to read the ocean, understand currents and adjust to changing weather conditions. Similarly, emotional responses are not just about the feelings experienced in the moment; there are underlying physiological and psychological processes that shape the experience.

For example, when watching a sad film, you might notice your body reacting with tears or a lump in your throat; this is the physiological wave, an automatic response. Simultaneously, the mind is interpreting the sadness, linking it to personal memories or unresolved emotions. This interpretation acts like the ocean currents beneath the surface, shaping how powerful the emotional wave feels. The depth of an emotional response is influenced by the intricate interplay of physiological and psychological factors.

3. Why People Surf Emotional Waves Differently: Emotional Regulation and Personal History

Each individual rides emotional waves differently, much like every surfer approaches the ocean uniquely. Some people might immediately lose balance and fall into the emotional "water" (think tears or outbursts), while others may appear composed on the surface but are struggling internally to maintain stability (through repression or intellectualisation).

The way we ride emotional waves is shaped by various factors:

Emotional Regulation: Some people find it easier to ride their emotional waves, allowing themselves to feel and express freely. Others, due to upbringing or personal history, may have learned to suppress or intellectualise their emotions, holding tightly to their "board" to avoid losing control.

Coping Mechanisms: Over time, everyone develops ways to stay afloat. Some people might impulsively react to the emotional wave (externalising), while others rely on thinking (intellectualising) their way through the wave instead of allowing themselves to feel it fully.

Attachment Styles: Early experiences with caregivers shape how we approach emotional waves. If emotional expression was discouraged or met with unpredictability, people might be more cautious and so avoid vulnerability. Those raised with secure relationships may be more comfortable trusting that they can ride the wave without being overwhelmed.

4. Balancing Thought and Feeling

When navigating an emotional wave, the brain, emotions and body work together to maintain balance. However, this balance can be difficult to achieve when the emotional wave feels particularly intense. The amygdala, the brain’s emotional centre, may activate, releasing stress hormones like adrenaline or cortisol, making the wave feel larger and more challenging. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning, steps in to interpret the situation, determining whether the emotional wave is genuinely dangerous or simply a passing swell.

This internal balancing act between feeling and thinking is essential to how we respond to emotional experiences. Some people naturally maintain balance with more ease, while others may struggle to avoid being overwhelmed by their emotions or tipping toward over-intellectualisation.

5. When Trauma Shapes the Waves

For many people, emotional waves are not just ordinary swells; they are influenced by past trauma. Trauma can transform even small emotional ripples into overwhelming waves that feel impossible to ride smoothly. A trauma response can trigger heightened arousal, making the emotional wave feel more intense and unpredictable.

Those who have experienced trauma may find that their brain and body remain primed for danger, making them hyper-alert to emotional triggers. Fight, flight, or freeze responses may be activated, making it difficult to ride the emotional wave without losing balance. In these cases, learning to surf emotions involves recognising the trauma that shapes the wave and gradually building the resilience and strength to stay upright.

6. Developing Emotional Balance

Learning to ride emotional waves is not about avoiding difficult feelings or suppressing them. It requires patience, balance and continuous practice. Much like surfing, emotional regulation involves recognising the waves of emotion, understanding the balance between emotional and intellectual responses and trusting oneself to manage the experience effectively.

There will be times when a person is knocked off balance or feels overwhelmed by the emotional wave. However, with increased self-awareness and practice, it is possible to stay afloat, even when the waves seem overwhelming. Each wave is different, influenced by past experiences, current circumstances and emotional triggers, but the key lies in developing the ability to navigate them with confidence.

Conclusion: The Art of Emotional Surfing

In life’s emotional ocean, everyone rides waves; some small, some large, some unpredictable. Learning to ride these waves is about knowing oneself better, finding balance, practising emotional regulation and recognising that sometimes balance will be lost, but the ability to regain it is always within reach. Understanding the underlying physiological and psychological forces that shape emotional responses allows for a more skilful approach to managing these experiences.

When trauma is present, the waves may feel more challenging, but with time and support, it is possible to learn how to manage them more effectively. Emotional surfing involves understanding, interpreting and responding to emotions in a way that promotes balance. While it is inevitable that one will occasionally stumble, what matters most is the ability to get back on the board and continue riding the waves.